DISCLAIMER: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel and all associated characters from the shows belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and 20th Century Fox...etc. If they were mine it wouldn't have been so depressing this past season! Oh and I've got to include this one...'The Family Man' is copyright of Beacon Communications Ltd and Universal. Obviously no copyright infringement is intended!
TIMELINE: Set nine years after the end of season six. Eight years after the End of Days.
SPOILERS: Some references to some events over some seasons? Could it get more vague? I don't think there's many anyway. : )
SYNOPSIS: What if Buffy had the chance to see what might have been if she'd made different choices?
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, ask and thou shalt get!
AUTHORS NOTES: Everyone who's seen the movie will know which bit's I've borrowed. The rest is mine -You know, the stuff that's not Buffy and everybody!. That movie had more of an effect on me the second time I watched it and I just had to write my version since I think the story fits well into the Buffy universe.
FEEDBACK: Of course I'd like feedback! Try not to be too brutal!
RATING: Like the show I guess.

I thought I had the perfect life. I thought that I was finally happy in my finally normal life, boy, how wrong was I?

I like my life, it's what I wanted; I was so sure of it. I mean I occasionally got the feeling that there was more to be had, that there was something missing. What more was there? And then one image alone would flick across my minds eye and I got pissed off with myself and find ways to be distracted away from it till the feeling passed. It always did, except for…well now. But who doesn't occasionally get a little restless, however happy they appear to be?

There is something missing. Don't be ridiculous, of course there's not anything missing, my life's how I always wanted it to be. Finally normal, no more demons, either physical and metaphorical ones, I have a successful martial arts centre which I love, okay, so the initial buzz of teaching that I'd had seemed to have evaporated with the day to day running of the whole thing, the business side sucked the fun out of it a little, but I still loved it. There's no reason to feel like there's something missing, and there isn't. It's probably just the holidays. I mean, who doesn't get depressed at Christmas?

I unlock the door to my apartment and release a breath I hadn't realised I'd been holding. My apartment is just outside the busy city; there are seven apartments in the complex, secluded and apart from the rest, enclosed by several beautiful gardens. It's my haven, the only place I feel like myself, and it's my relief. I fell in love with it from the moment I walked in, how many years ago was that? I loose track, like I've lost track of so many things. They seem to escape me, or do I escape them? I don't know; I'm too tired for any in-depth introspection.

It's eight years, how did that happen? It doesn't seem that long since…. I snap out of it. There's nothing wrong with my life, it's perfect, just how I had wanted it to be. After all, time flies when you're having fun doesn't it? And I am, some of the time.

What time is it? Late, is all my brain will tell me, I vaguely recall that it's probably early Christmas Eve and will myself back to sleep with a groan. I didn't need Christmas. Almost immediately I had the strange sensation of being lifted off my bed on which I'd inelegantly dumped myself several hours before after too much vodka. Weirdly, this didn't feel like the normal alcohol induced dreams I had, almost too regularly. No it was something else entirely. It couldn't be anything prophetic; I hadn't had one of those dreams since…well for eight years. Not after I was released of my slayer duties after it happened, the End of Days that is.

I wasn't allowed any more speculation as there was this sudden brilliantly white light that engulfed me. I could barely see anything, fear of being blinded by the light; the most I could make out was the outline of two people a slight distance away. And then it was over, I knew that I was back in my bed, that light the only thing in my mind and somebody saying,

"Prepare yourself." Or maybe my inebriated mind imagined it. No, I had heard it, what the hell it meant was beyond me in my current state and I decided to ignore it, if I could, sleep was much the better option and besides, what was I meant to be preparing for? It didn't make much sense; there were no more things to fight. Not many anyway. And though I still had my strength I didn't go looking to kill the last remaining creatures because there wasn't much need to. They didn't draw attention to themselves by being obvious and killing people. They laid low and this was why I didn't bother with them, why should I? I had my own life to lead.

The too cheerful winter sun woke me early. For a moment I was back in that vividly white place before reality took over and I woke up properly. Shaking off any niggling doubts I had about the previous nights 'dream' or whatever it was I got up, not bothering to dress specially. It wasn't like I was going to see anyone important today and that was if I was going to see anyone at all. Willow had predictably invited me to their traditional Christmas reunion of the Scooby gang. I'd gone the first few times but I found that their happy lives seemed to eclipse mine somehow. I wasn't even sure why, I was happy, I had all I wanted; yet there was still something about the reunions that got to me. This didn't stop Willow sending the invitations, even though they didn't know exactly where I was. I'd travelled around at first, not really sure where I belonged and any mail was sent to me via my bank. Then when I stayed here and started the centre I just never got around to telling them my new address. There's a part of me that really wanted to, the rational side at least, but the other side just helped to keep them all at a distance.

They'd be surprised if they knew I was so close, I imagine Willow would be cross with me, I write to her occasionally, she seems to be the only one I can still talk to. And Giles, but then he moved back to England and back to Olivia. I wasn't really surprised and I'm glad he found someone and has a life and is happy. He writes to me more than I write back, but then I never was very good at writing things down, how I was feeling and such. He understands, I think he does anyway. And then there's Dawn, I see her occasionally, she's as busy as I am, busier. She graduated law school last year, I was so proud of her, she'd got a full scholarship and now she's doing well at a good firm in LA, I wouldn't be surprised if she relocated to the East Coast, New York or Boston. She's in demand. And I do see her sometimes, out for lunch or dinner in the city, she's never been here and for a while I wonder just why. I don't need to ask really, I've never invited her. Something seems to keep me keep her at a distance as well. She's got a busy life now anyway; I doubt she's too bothered. And like I say, I see her sometimes.

I hear church bells ringing not too far away, always busy on Christmas, I prefer church when it's quiet; I guess I don't get the magic of Christmas anymore, it feels like a long time since I did. I better get out of here or I'll end up getting drunk again, at least if I'm out I'll stop myself from it until tonight. I was never much one for alcohol before, but now it seems to be the familiar comfortable pattern I've slipped into. It's only around the holidays, when my aloneness is so painfully obvious. The rest of the time I can concentrate on my business and my students and the friends who know me as a happy and focused Buffy Summers.

I hear the door knocked at just as I put on my coat and the guy standing there when I open it has a bunch of red roses and a gift and a wicked grin on his face. He sets the things aside on the small hall table and skilfully wraps me in his arms in a kiss that may once have turned my legs to jelly, but not now. My occasional boyfriend, Michael, I met him at a club in town one night and we got talking. He travelled around a lot on business, never in places for very long and as alone as I was, he seemed a good idea at the time, but that was a couple of years ago, and as the occasional visits went on, occasionally, my heart just lost interest. I guessed I didn't want that kind of relationship. I guess I should tell him that though. I pull away and he looks at me now. My expression must have said it better than I could because he nodded his head, told me to keep the gifts, he bought them for me and that he understands. I guess his heart was getting tired as well. We couldn't have worked out when it was like this. I remember someone else who used to know what I was thinking just by looking at me. Things never turn out how you think.

Somehow unaffected by Michael's brief appearance I drive to work in the still busy LA of Christmas Eve and say a silent thank you that the centre will be quiet in the afternoon. There are a few classes this morning but other than that it'll be quiet. I told everyone to start their holidays today and I'll have the place to myself. Hopefully there shouldn't be time for anyone to ask why I'm not going to be with my family or whoever. But then, I'm not even sure if I told them that, they probably know anyway. Dawn went to the Scooby Christmas last year but she might even be working tomorrow, lawyers are like that I guess. They're buried in their work and at least she enjoys it like I do mine.

The turkey sandwich I made for lunch isn't too appetising but I eat it anyway. I sit cross-legged in the centre of Studio A and feel a bit better. Everyone's gone home after this morning's classes. Maybe it's the promise of the classes I have the day after Christmas; I have a few, that keeps my head above the ocean of mess that is my mental and emotional state. I can at least recognise that it's a mess. Someone decorated the centre; it was probably Phoebe and Julia. Jules is my deputy manager and they're both my friends. Of course they don't really know me but this way they think I'm normal and that's always good. My eyes are drawn to the angel that glitters at the top of the Christmas tree in the corner, I told them to use the star but I guess I was ignored; they liked the angel better. I don't like to be reminded is all. I almost hate him for affecting me the way he still does, invading my mind. I hate myself more, because when I think about it, it was my fault; I pushed him away. I thought I couldn't love him anymore but I couldn't think properly after it happened, after the End of Days battle. Somehow we all survived, we'd added to the wealth of emotional scars that we'd collected over the years but we were alive, breathing; and so was he. He was breathing, for the first time in almost two hundred and fifty years. How many times had a dreamed of that moment, of us being together and having a chance for a real life? How wrong can a person be? It just wasn't meant to be. Not then anyway.

Caught up in the heat and exhaustive aftermath of the battle we made love. Two bodies and souls celebrating victory and redemption and searching for the release that we had both desperately needed. A release from the pain and the waiting and one that only our love could give us. But like I said, it wasn't meant to be. I woke up hours later a different person, I honestly thought I was, the battle still fresh in my mind, all I could see and hear around me was pain and suffering and death. Yes, we had all survived but many hadn't many were to die later. It was all I could breathe and I saw the misery that I had brought to everyone. People would always die, but these people had died because I wasn't good enough to save them all. All I could think about was the pain I caused others and it hit me. Why should I be happy when they couldn't? I didn't deserve to be happy. Angel deserved better than me, he deserved someone who wouldn't bring misery to his human existence. So I walked away. He tried to talk to me but by then I wasn't listening. Something inside me stopped because I couldn't be with him and be happy so I stopped being me.

I can still hear his yelling and then gentle pleading, his eyes full of unshed tears. "I've never wanted anything more than I want you, than I love you and I choose us." My tears were never cried; I wonder whether his were. None of them really understood this. I guess they just saw a different person and assumed I didn't love him anymore. I don't think Xander was too sorry about it; even human Angel bothered him. My friends stayed in Sunnydale, they rebuilt their lives and they expected me to join in. Angel had been everything and then there was nothing. I couldn't stay after what had happened with him, so I didn't.

I left, I almost didn't, almost went back to his arms. I turned round for one last look before I boarded the plane and there he was. Standing a short distance away and my heart leapt. I shut it down and turned back to the plane and my future.

He must have hated me, I don't blame him but he must have got over me, us. One particularly shitty and lonely Christmas, the one after the battle, I went to see him. I still loved him and a little drinking session had released some inhibitions so I went to see if he could…still…I don't know. Whatever it was that I went for I didn't get it. I just got an eyeful of him and his new girlfriend. I knew I'd pushed him away but I hadn't really thought he'd have found someone so quickly. It hurt me like I'd hurt him and I guess I deserved that but I suddenly felt like we hadn't had anything special anyway. I know he saw me on my way out. I didn't say anything and he didn't try to speak to me so that's when I knew it was over. It actually helped me, he had someone like I'd wanted him to and I put him out of my head. Well, as much as I could anyway, its just times like now that I can't stop from thinking. I wonder where he is; he might still be living in LA. Maybe he kept up the agency; he still had his strength; but then there's probably less call for his agency's specific area. I can't even feel him anymore, I used to know when he was around but now…well if he is in LA I can't feel him. I guess I switched that off too. I'm too detached from him now. He probably doesn't feel me anymore either. No more demons eh? Okay so I still have issues, who doesn't? Stupid angel; I stare daggers at the one on the tree. Where was my guardian Angel? Did I even have one?

The clock says I've been here too long, frighteningly long actually. When I go into myself like that I really loose awareness of what's happening in the real world. I pack up what I need to take home and leave. It's actually cold for once, it won't snow though; it won't snow.

I stopped at the church on the way home; it was lit up and seemed to beckon me into its warmth. The only others I saw were an elderly couple, enjoying the peace as well as me. I didn't stay long, I never do; I just take a brief visit now and then. It's hope that lives there, hope that I visit, though it seems to leave me at the door as I leave. Either that or I bury it to avoid inevitable disappointment.

I have a walk to the open grocery store a little later. My head is too full of things and I think maybe the cold air will clear it. What happened did anything but that. On my way back I hear a muffled cry ahead of me and unable to just leave it alone I walk forward to investigate. Some guy was trying to take this girls bag and though she seemed to be keeping hold of it okay I didn't think she'd come out of it very well.

"Hey, you want to give that back?" I asked as I stood in front of him and the girl, my arms folded.

"Well, look what we have here, you want to play too huh? Well I think that can be arranged." He abandoned his pulling party with the girl and let go. She ran off and I was left with the mugger. He was way too cocky so I decided to teach him something. I dodged all his attempts to punch me, I hit his face a couple of times kneed him in the stomach and flipped him over. He looked at me like I was crazy when he came around, that was before he legged it down the street.

"Hey, thanks." I turned around and saw the girl whose bag he'd tried to take. I could have sworn she'd run off in the other direction.

"That's okay, are you okay? What's your name?"

"Hope, and yes I'm ok."

"Well, Merry Christmas Hope." I turned to go but she grabbed by coat sleeve, stopping me.

"That was a good thing you did, you know." She seemed to be trying to tell me something.

"Yeah. Do you need anything? Can you get home okay?" She looked at me for a second,

"Yeah, it's no problem."

"Everybody needs something."

"Yeah? What do you need?" The way she asked the question told me there was more than one meaning to her words.

"Me?"

"You just said everybody needs something."

"I've got everything I need."

"Wow, are you sure? It must be great being you."

"Yeah, okay." This was getting a bit weird, even for me. "You know you really shouldn't be walking alone so late, you might regret it someday."

"You're talking to me about regrets?" I looked at her, slightly puzzled while she laughed to herself. Did I know her? "I'm gonna really enjoy this, you just remember that you did this Buffy, okay, you brought this on yourself." She told me as she walked away. I was going to ask how the hell she knew my name but she just repeated, "You brought this on yourself." I stood there for a second, trying to process what had just happened; it was the second weird occurrence within a day. When I looked up she was gone, I couldn't see her, not even faintly in the distance. Either I was going crazy, again, or something very strange was going on. I was still standing in the exact same place when a single snowflake landed on my nose. When I looked up, all I could see was snow. It was actually snowing and I walked home, my head even more full than it had been when I set out.

I groaned slightly as I stirred, that damn sunlight again, I'd have to do something about those curtains. I lifted one eye to look at them and shook my head a little after closing my eyes again. The window seemed to be in the wrong place and the curtains were totally different. No, it's just me, I shift a bit as I prepare to go back to sleep when I become aware of an arm draped across my body. There's some guy in my bed and then somehow, I know its Angel; I can smell him, a slight musk and something that's undeniably Angel's scent. I breathe it in and smile, savouring this particular dream. I hadn't dreamt of him for a long time, I'm too good at shutting him out of my head. It must be all that drink last night; this feels so real. He stirred slightly next to me, tightening his hold around me and drawing me to him.

Wait, I didn't drink anything last night, I'd been too tired to do anything except sleep, thankful for it. The only things in my head were that strange girl and the inexplicable echoing words of the previous night's drunken dream. "Prepare yourself." I hadn't drunk anything and now I was pretty sure I was fully awake. What the hell was going on? Angel moved even closer, now waking up as well. He nuzzled into my neck, kissing my shoulder as he held me to him. Something very weird was going on, Angel didn't seem to think it was though; he seemed very…at home, completely relaxed. Which was far from what I was.

"What time is it?" He asked sleepily, muffled by my hair. I didn't answer right away, getting way past freaked out I only remembered he'd asked a question when he murmured, "Hhmmmm?" Deciding I better say something, you know before I ran for the hills, all I could manage was,

"E-early I think." He kept his hold on me and moving his head a little he whispered in my ear,

"Ten more minutes." And then after hearing a thudding noise from somewhere else; "Never mind, prepare yourself." Though I could hear the humour in his voice I found none in what he'd said. I pulled away to look at him properly and my breath caught. He was still gorgeous, my gorgeous Angel. What the hell was going on? He looked at me quizzically for a second but was prevented from saying anything by the small person that suddenly appeared on the bed. Bouncing up and down above us was a small girl, maybe four or five. She had blonde hair and unmistakable brown eyes. She couldn't be…yet I knew that she was and she confirmed my thoughts when she then started shouting,

"Mommy, mommy! Daddy, daddy! It's Christmas! Christmas! Pwesents! Get up mom, lets have pwesents." At which point she stopped shouting and continued bouncing by our heads. I closed my eyes; I'm still asleep; that's the only answer. I was having a very real dream about Angel and our daughter. Distantly I thought I could hear a baby crying and Angel nudged me,

"Come one sleepy head, its Christmas and it sounds like James wants his mommy." I opened my eyes in alarm, two kids, not just one. Angel must have taken my expression for something else since he then said quickly, "Okay, his daddy, he wants his daddy then." He climbed out of bed leaving a cold draft and picked the little girl off the bed. "Come on Ash, let Mommy get up and I'll go make us breakfast." She looked back at me and I managed an awkward smile.

"Pwesents?" She asked.

"Yeah, we can do presents then." He told her and she seemed satisfied with this and left the room, I could hear her running down the stairs and Angel calling after her. I sat up, what was I going to do? This isn't my life; something really serious was going on. I didn't recall any run in with a demon that could have somehow transplanted me into a different world or me into crazy Buffy. I was vaguely aware that the baby's crying had stopped and a minute later Angel was back with the baby on his hip. He couldn't have been much older than a year. "I almost forgot," Angel said as he leaned in towards me and kissed me softly on my lips. "Merry Christmas my love." And then at the door, "I'll make us some coffee. Don't be too long or you'll miss all the fun." And with that he was gone. What a relief, I jumped out of bed and began rummaging in the wardrobe on the other side of the room, it sure wasn't a big room, and I pulled on some jeans and a random top.

As I reached the bottom of the stairs I could hear the excitement from the little girl in the living room. I grabbed the jacket by the door and with little regret I grabbed the keys that were thankfully on a hook by the door and I got out of the house. It was like escaping, after all, I didn't belong there, I didn't even know where here was. I looked at the van in the drive and almost laughed. Why wouldn't we have a van like that, it's a perfectly typical car for a typical family. That was forgetting one thing of course, that this wasn't my family; I didn't have a frigging family.

When I started the engine Angel must have heard because he appeared at the door, the most confused look on his face. I imagine it's still there as I back out and drive away. It doesn't take me long to figure out that I'm in Sunnydale, eugh Sunnydale. I haven't been here for eight years. It's changed, it looks more normal now, not that it lookedweird before but it always had this atmosphere and I can tell just from the sitting in this car that that's gone. I don't know where I'm going, I can't try and talk to anyone because if this really is a different world, they'll be living in it as well, they'll think I'm completely insane. Maybe I am, maybe I'm back in that institution. Why has this happened? I didn't ask for this, I was doing fine. I stop by a park and make my way to sit on the swings; the ones I remember pushing Dawn on. Something flickers in the corner of my eye and when I turn around I see two figures standing a small distance away. They're actually gold and blue, they aren't solid I can see through them but this doesn't make them any less there, right in front of my eyes.

"I know you." I tell them as I stop nearer to them than before. They do seem familiar, but there's a memory block in my head and I don't know why they feel familiar.

"Indeed warrior, or former warrior, whichever." I think it was the female who spoke.

"Do you know what's going on? What's happened to me?"

"We do know yes." The male one replied.

"You need to learn some things Buffy Summers." The female continued.

"Learn? Learn what things? This isn't my life, I want mine back…"

"Silence! You will listen to us. You have to learn." She said impatiently.

"This is a glimpse Buffy Summers, you have to see it, have to learn; for some things are not as they should be. You have to see and you will. This is a glimpse of what your life would have been like should you have taken a different path. You have to figure out the rest for yourself." Here he seemed to pause, waiting for me to say something?

"So, this is what my life would have been like? How am I meant to stay here, I don't know this life, it isn't mine."

"You will learn."

"Take me back, please." I asked them, too tired to really shout or yell.

"When it is time, but first you have to see." They turned as if to leave and I could see them getting even more faint. They were going.

"Tell me more, I need to know more. You can't just leave me here. How can I talk to you…?"

"You cannot." The male one said, replying only to my last question.

"Wait, how long exactly?" Desperate to know more before they completely vanished.

"As long as it takes." I turned around to see the owner of the third voice. I knew her,

"It's you."

"It is Buffy. You remember you brought this on yourself."

"Huh?" I asked, remembering her words to me.

" 'I've got everything I need' sound familiar Buffy?"

"So because…because I was a bit full of myself I get stuck having a permanent trip, and a much less fun one at that! I'm freaking out here!"

"It was that mugging situation that did it. That was a good thing you did Buffy, and it impressed them, it's been a while since you did anything like that. Put someone else first."

"I saved the world for goodness sake, I think I earned my time away from fighting."

"Yes, but it made an impression." I didn't say anything, just stared at her. The Powers sure were messing about with my life. "This is a glimpse Buffy."

"I know they said." I gestured to where the oracles had been a few minutes ago.

"As long as you know, like they said, you've got some things to figure out."

"But how long, I can't be here."

"As long as it takes, and in your case, that might be a while." I was about to reply but when I looked up she was gone as well, leaving me alone here. I sat on the hard ground thinking. Despite the 'family' that would be waiting for me, I felt alone, completely alone.

When I got back to the car there were three presents sat on the passenger seat. I supposed I could use them as my excuse for when I got back. I really didn't want to go back but it didn't seem like I had a choice, I didn't have anywhere else to go and if I couldn't get back to my life without going back there I might as well. That way I'd get back to my own life quicker. I couldn't remember where the house was but when I finally got back, I walked quietly to the kitchen. Angel was on the phone and when he saw me he looked relieved.

"Never mind, because, because she's just walked in. Yes, thank you, goodbye." He came over and pulled me to him in what could have been a painful hug, had I not had slayer strength. "I was so worried. Where were you Buffy? I've been calling everyone, our friends, the police, and the hospitals. What's going on?" He looked terrible and I felt bad for the first time for leaving that morning.

"I'm sorry, I…." I couldn't think of anything that I could say that would help. I couldn't be his Buffy, I wasn't his and I couldn't be me either. What could I say to explain? I knew I couldn't so I opted for non-explanation, of both my problems; being stuck here, and also the other thing; why I had disappeared.

"You missed everything; the pancakes and the presents; you were so excited about getting Ashley that bike but you didn't even see her face when she opened it; you missed Christmas Buffy." There wasn't too much I could say really, maybe I could get through this if I didn't make a fuss, plus then no one would have to declare me insane.

"I know," I said quietly, "Did they have fun?" I asked, positive that his Buffy would have wanted to know.

"Yes, Ash loved her bike and I know James won't remember it but he had fun just the same, though he was mostly taken by all the wrapping paper." I smiled, babies were always like that, the paper was always more interesting to them, and I didn't want to seem even stranger. Everyone likes babies, though I'm not sure about being a mother to one myself, it's easier when they're someone else's, but I suppose that his Buffy is good with them…she's had two.

I'm not sure whether I was jealous of her or what exactly. She had everything I didn't have but I was sure that I hadn't wanted this yesterday. Or maybe I did want a family at some point but then, I wasn't really looking for a guy in any real way. It was my fault. Before, I'd only ever imagined having a family with Angel but since I'd lost that chance by running away from it I couldn't seem to see a family anymore. I hate how he still affects me, even though I try to pretend he never existed. "You remember how he liked the paper last year too?" I nodded, what else could I do, the baby probably hadn't been very old at the time. Angel gave me the answer to that, "He was only two months old then."

"It doesn't feel that long." I decided on a bland obvious statement.

"No, it doesn't. Buffy are you okay, you aren't sick are you?" I looked up at him and he looked worried, he looked sweet when he was worried. I half wished that someone could be that concerned about me in the real world but stopped myself. I didn't need Angel and even if I did, he wouldn't want to know so it was a pointless idea. He wouldn't want to know. And he probably had someone anyway. "Buffy?"

"Oh, yeah I'm okay, I think."

"You just don't seem like yourself. Is there anything you want to talk about?"

"No, there's nothing." It wasn't as if I could even try to tell him the truth.

"Would you like a coffee then? We can curl up on the sofa for a while?" He seemed so earnest and I couldn't help but return his smile, I nodded.

"Are the kids asleep?" I asked a little while later.

"Yeah, they were tired out, way too much excitement." He pulled me closer to him where we were on the couch and I relaxed in his arms. All snuggled together like that I was relaxed for the first time since this had happened. My mind was trying to tell me not to get too comfortable here, not to let Angel back into my head because it would be so hard when I did leave. But that was easier said than done. Who knew how long it'd be before they take me back? It was going to be impossible to be this near to Angel, actually being his wife and the mother of his kids and to not accept that I wanted and needed him with me forever.

"Are you sure you're okay Buffy?" He asked a bit later. I studied him carefully, wondering how much he could tell about what I was thinking; obviously it wasn't too much because he wasn't acting like he thought I was crazy, just as if I were ill or something.

"Yeah, I'm okay, tired; just tired."

"Yeah I am a little, we better get to bed else we'll never be up for tomorrows madness." He said, clearing the mugs of half drunken coffee from the table and taking them into the kitchen.

"What madness?" I asked when he returned a second later.

"Come on, there's no way you've forgotten. You arrange this every year. The day after Christmas with all our friends and their families, which I've come to term the 'madness'." I smile trying to look like I know what he's talking about.

"Right, I'm just tired you know."

"Are you sure you're not sick or anything?" He asked again as I made my way to the stairs. I turned round and saw his face full of concern, and the love in his eyes. My heart was doing little jumps, it really wasn't going to be any good when I got back to my life and had to remember how to forget him all over again. I nodded and began climbing.

Breathing hard I sat bolt upright in bed, my bed, and breathed relief. I was at home; it had just been a dream. But then, if it had been, why was there somebody moving beside me?

"Buffy? You okay?" He mumbled sleepily and I fell back onto the bed with a thump that woke him completely, though I hadn't meant to. For a second I had truly believed that I had dreamed it all and that I was waking up on Christmas morning at my apartment. I let out an involuntary sob and worked very hard not to break down. "Buffy?" This time his voice had more than a large amount of concern in it and I let him take me in his arms. "Bad dream?" I just nodded and tried to compose myself. I just couldn't help it. I didn't belong here, but then, 'here' was comforting. I was with Angel, in a way I would have loved to be with him, at least before. I wanted to go back but at the same time I found myself wanting what I didn't have there. Despite the fact that I didn't have this for the precise reason that I'd thrown it away, I couldn't help but wonder and wish things were different. It was only for a second, and then I told myself to get a grip, I was doing fine by myself. But even then there were these annoying little niggling voices telling me that I wasn't fine, that I was far from fine and in need of something in my 'world' that I knew I couldn't have any more. They were saying that I didn't belong here, but that I needed what I had here, Angel and the children.

"You aren't my mommy are you?" Ashley asked as I attempted to change James' diaper. It was pretty gross. I turned around. She was very clever; I supposed that children were more open to different possibilities. I signed and decided I couldn't lie to her.

"No, I'm not, but your mommy loves you very much and I'm sure she'll be back very soon."

"When will she be back?"

"I'm not sure, it shouldn't be too long." Her chin quivered and I knew she was going to start crying at any second.

"Please don't cry she'll be back soon." She seemed to be thinking,

"Can you make chocolate milk?" I smiled; I'd loved chocolate milk when I was little.

"I think I can manage that." She nodded and slowly made her way toward me and then proceeded to instruct me on how to change James.

"So, Ashley, can you tell me exactly who's coming today?" I asked her later as I stood in the kitchen preparing food. At least I could do that okay.

"Well it's all your fwends and their kids who are my fwends, well some of them."

"Is it…Willow?" I asked, hoping that it was. Maybe her life here was a bit like hers in reality and then at least I'd know something about it, about her.

"Yep, Aunt Willow and uncie Oz." Okay so that was the same, Oz had come back for the End of Days and I think Willow didn't want to endanger anyone else who didn't know about the hellmouth by involving them with the monsters, I think she blamed herself for Tara. And she still loved him so…

"Do they have a son called Giles?" I asked her, he'd have been five years old this year.

"Yep he's six and he's vewy annoying." Huh, he was a bit older here. "They have a girl too. That's Anna she's five same age as me and she's my fwend." I smiled at her, they have a girl, I don't remember Willow telling me that, and I'm sure she would have. I guess they didn't have a girl…in my world.

"Who else? Xander and Anya?"

"Yeah, you're vewy good at this. They have a boy too, that's Will, and he's six too."

"That's it right? No one else?" I asked, not expecting anymore, I was trying to calculate how much food I needed to make.

"No there's more there's more!" She told me, obviously worried that I didn't know.

"Really? Okay who are they then?"

"Wellw, there's Grandpa Giles and auntie Olivia." I stopped dead; they were here? Were they visiting from England or…

"Ashley, do they live here in Sunnydale too?" She nodded, chomping on a piece of carrot that I'd left on the side. "They don't live in England here." I said quietly to myself. "Do they have any children?" They did in my life. And she nodded again,

"Elizabeth, she's only three but she's sweet." I smiled; huh, she was two in 'my' world. Giles had written that he'd wanted call her Buffy for short but that Olivia wouldn't let him. I'm glad she did, poor girl, she didn't have to get stuck with the name as well.

"Okay, so we've got, Willow, Oz and Giles and Anna. Xander, Anya and Will and Gi…Grandpa Giles, Olivia and Elizabeth. That's it right?" Ashley shook her head, "No? Who else?" This was getting stupid. No wonder Angel calls it the 'madness' with that lot and more coming. How do they all fit in this house?

"Aunt Dawn." She told me before jumping off her stool.

"She's not working?"

"No, she couldn't come yesterday so she's coming today. I fink that's what it is. Is that okay?"

"Oh yeah sure honey, thanks, you can go play…or whatever." I added to myself. I had a sudden thought and went to find Angel who was clearing the living room so that there was more space in the centre of the room. James was sat in his bouncer watching him intently.

"Angel? Do you remember whether anyone was gonna bring food this year?" He looked up at me, a bit distracted by the sofa. "Would you like some help?" He shook his head.

"No it's okay. Um, I'm not sure doesn't Willow normally bring some stuff? You always insisted you could do it all by yourself for the day after Christmas get together but…"

"She brings stuff anyway." He smiled in affirmation and I returned to the kitchen. Thankful that Angel hadn't thought my inquiry was anything out of the ordinary.

I'd dressed in the nicest dress I could find and Angel watched me walk down the stairs, smiling in that way he has that made me feel like million dollars. "You look beautiful." He said kissing me and I thanked him. "So do you sweetie." He told Ashley when she appeared behind me. I'd helped her pick out her dress and she did look adorable. He passed me James; I was getting a bit more comfortable holding him and being with Ashley for that matter. The doorbell rang and we were suddenly invaded by a lot of bodies, both large and small. Willow and Oz and their two children were first through the door.

"Hi Buffy! Hello James." Willow said as we hugged and as she started talking to James in some very silly sounding baby talk. She still looked pretty much the same. I'd decided that acting like everything was normal would be easiest; just as long as none of them brought up events I'd never been to.

"Hey Will, you all okay?" She nodded but was prevented from answering when two small people came running in and hugged me at the same time. "Hi guys!"

"Hi aunt Buffy." I tried to get a better look at them but they seemed to disappear as quickly, when they went off with Ashley down the hall. I said hello to Oz, who was thankfully still a man of few words and a second later. Xander came through the door. I kissed him and Anya hello while their son Will who was obviously dying to join the other kids, said a very quick and muffled hello and then raced off.

"Buffy, I'll just put these in the kitchen." Willow told me before she disappeared, though briefly in her case.

"Okay," I said smiling; it was strange how much effect just being around them for a few seconds had on me. "Guys, make yourselves at home."

"When do we not?" Xander joked. And they went straight into the living room where I could hear Angel offering drinks, both alcoholic and not, depending on who was driving. I didn't have too much time to think about anything else because I felt a tap on my shoulder and Dawn was stood right there when I turned around. I quickly pulled her into a hug, which she returned.

"Hey Dawnie, I missed you."

"Missed you too, you know if I'm going to get a greeting like that I think I'll come more often. Hey James, you've got so big." She cuddled him for a minute and grinned as we looked at each other.

"It would be great to see you more, we all miss you. I suppose you're working hard as usual."

"Oh yes, I love working at the firm, it is a lot of work but I love it all the same." She was a lawyer here too; she was obviously doing what she was meant to be doing.

"I'm glad, so, met any interesting people?" I asked; she knew what I was getting at.

"No I haven't met any particularly interesting guys lately but when I do I'll be sure to tell you immediately." I could hear the slight sarcasm in her voice but one look at her grin told me she was joking.

"But you would tell me right?" I found myself unable to stop asking her the things I wished I did ask her. I do wish I saw her more.

"Where is my favourite niece then?" She passed James back to me where he was placed on my hip and actually stayed in that position for most of the day; when he wasn't sleeping. I think it was because he was Angel's son, our son, that I suddenly wanted to keep him with me most of the time. Maybe it was knowing that once I left I'd never get to hold him again, I don't know. I directed Dawn down the hall to where the kids were making a lot of noise. The last to appear at the door were Olivia and Giles, who was carrying Elizabeth.

"Buffy!" Giles exclaimed, and we hugged, as much as we were able to, holding the babies. I hugged Olivia hello too, which felt completely natural as well. And I got a good look at Ellie, as she was called, much better than Buffy in my opinion but whatever. She was beautiful and I again regretted only ever seeing her picture before, in my world that is

"Hi Ellie, wow you got so big!" Not original but there you go and Giles and Olivia didn't seem to notice anything odd about it.

"Yes, she's growing so quickly, I sometimes feel she grows out of clothes every other day!" Olivia told me and I nodded, feigning understanding.

"You look great," I told them as they came in.

"As do you, you look very well Buffy."

"Yeah, thanks, I am." Well? What was I supposed to say to that? Actually Giles I've been feeling a bit funny since I woke up yesterday in what to me is a completely different reality? I actually live by myself in LA and have my own martial arts school. I don't think so.

"And James, he looks like his father every day." I smiled and nodded, this time really agreeing. James did look just like Angel. He had the same deep brown eyes and dark hair. He was quite happy with all the attention, and then even happier when his daddy appeared.

"Someone mention me?" He said smiling and saying hello to Giles, Olivia and Ellie. They too were ushered into the living room where everyone seemed to be having a good time. Laughing at what I suspected was a bad joke of Xander's.

The day went pretty fast, and I think it was partly because I was actually having fun. I was with my friends, people so close to me that they had become family and who I'd cut out of my own life too many years ago. I missed being with them and the party was fun because I was there with them. Yes, I felt slightly out of their group but that was only from my perspective because I didn't think any one of them noticed anything strange about my behaviour. I guess all the difference was on the inside and I was very good at acting like Angel's wife and mother of two children Buffy.

And very thankfully, there weren't really any moments when I had no idea what they were talking about. If there were separate conversations going on I'd join one in the middle and have someone tell me what they were talking about. And fortunately for me there weren't too many instances were I knew nothing about what they were saying. I steered clear of a conversation Xander and Willow were having about the children's schools and then there was one awkward moment when Anya mentioned having another baby and said they might try IVF and expected me to remember that fact and why but I got past it by telling her of course I remembered, that I was just distracted and told her to carry on. She didn't really need any more encouragement. Anya never was one to turn down an offer to carry on talking about her or this case her and her family. But she seemed happy and I was glad she was. In fact they all seemed happy.

As I had done too many times before I saw the differences between their lives and mine, alone. When I usually started thinking about that I distracted myself with work and told myself that was the reason I hadn't seen them or their families for so long. I know it was selfish, I did want them to be happy, I guess that it was subconscious telling me just how much I envied them and I hated myself for it.

However, it was a bit easier to see them here. Here, I had everything, the family I always hoped I might have and I didn't need to be as jealous as I might have been. But still, there was this voice telling me this wasn't my life, I didn't belong here and the differences between our lives were still just as big as they ever were. It just seemed easier to pretend that wasn't the truth while I could hear our daughter playing with the other children and while I held our son on my hip.

After Angel and I cleaned much later, the children put to bed a while ago, I collapsed on the couch. It's surprising how a party like that can take it out of you. I really wouldn't have thought it could. Then again, those who know what I'm talking about will have thrown numerous similar events. I hadn't. For no conscious reason I find myself sobbing, not crying, just trying to. And I knew why, it was because however different or similar my friend's lives are here to what they are in 'my world' I've missed too much. Missed too much of not only what I could have had but of their lives as well. And it's highlighted how much I don't have in my life. I don't have a family like this and I don't really have my friends anymore. I left them too and I've missed out on their lives as well as my own. I'm vaguely aware of Angel sitting down and holding me. He's rocking me back and forth and asking what's wrong. What's wrong? What a good question. But I can't tell him the truth. I shake my head.

"Sweetheart, if I don't know what it is I can't help. I love you, tell me what it is."

"I don't know." I finally tell him and I know he's confused, but it's less complicated than the truth. He continued rocking me, kissing me and however much I fought it I found myself feeling increasingly at home. I'm not sure whether it was being in Angels arms or him kissing me or telling me how much he loved me, I suspect at was all of those things, I felt more and more at home. It felt so natural, I felt like it was where I belonged and I stopped fighting it. I felt alive, more alive than I had for…well I felt happy and alive and though those annoying voices were still there, they were getting more and more distant by the minute. I was home.

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