disclaimer: Do you see Buffy and Angel frolicking around with a bunch of kids in the sunlight, and living happily ever after? That is your clue they aren't mine.
distribution: my site, amnesia, anybody else want, take, have
paring: b/a
rating: r
summary: She'd die again for the life she leads now.
spoilers: many many years after Chosen and Home
lyrics: Staind So Far Away /lyrics/ an: You just don't understand I've been so BLOCKED I haven't been able to do anything. If you’re wondering why WIWB is taking so long it's because I'm BLOCKED. But no longer, I was driving and heard this song, and pulled over to listen to it. It was so Buffy I thought I was going mad. But here it is the end to my blockedness. Pray that Tygerlily finds this peace cuz she too is blocked. an2: Look, I write so much angst this is my best attempt at Fluff. Forgive me.
feedback: Please I'll beg, I'd give you money but I'm poor. So airgo begging. Please, please let me know what you think.

/This is my life
It's not what it was before/

So I clean now. I take care of 3 kids, and I am potty training the middle one. I cook, I feed, I rock to sleep, and I teach them new words.

You’re probably wondering what I'm talking about.

Let me take you back.

Years one through seven whereas follows. Met the love of life, died, came back, loved love of life, killed him, ran away, went to hell, came back, apologized, love of life came back, almost died for him, love of life leaves, meet asshole at college, meet a nicer asshole, nicer asshole and love of life fight, get a created from me sister, nicer asshole leaves, Mom dies, a God want's to kill sister, die again, come back, sleep with a much bigger asshole than all the rest, best friend tries to destroy the world, fight the final big bad, love of life comes back, love of life leaves, I fight, the biggest asshole dies for me, I destroy town everything just said happens in.

Yeah I think that covers that. That was mostly the life and times of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Well, more than that happened as I'm sure you know, but that's the big stuff.

/All these feelings I've shared
And these dreams
That I'd never lived before
Somebody shake me 'cause I
I must be sleeping/

So what am I doing now? I take care of Austin, Michael, and Ryan Summers. They are my cousins, and since Sunnydale well, went to hell, I've been taking care of them.

Their dad left, and their Mom isn't the most stable person around, so I take care of them. Austin just turned 5, Michael will be 3 in December, and Ryan will be a year old in August.

They are my life. I used to watch Austin when he was very small, and to my surprise he remembers me. Anyway so my life is no longer staking vamps, or stopping the world from ending.

I have dirty diapers, and I'm teaching Ryan to say ta da.

/Now that we're here, it's so far away
All the struggle we thought was all in vain
They all finally start to go away/

So maybe saving the world all those times was worth it. If I can see these kids grow up, I'll know it wasn't pointless. That I cried, killed and died for this world now will mean something to me because without knowing it, I did it for them.

/Now that we're here, it's so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive, and I'm not ashamed
To be the person I am today/

Old hurts have gone away, and I have let go of a past that will cause me nothing but pain in the long run. Dawn left she said college was calling her name in England. She lives with Giles and Olivia.

Willow and Kennedy went with her, but for different reasons. A slayer was needed in London, and Willow became the first watcher in the New Order of the Council.

Xander headed for Boston to see some family he hadn't seen in a while. He travels all over the world now, and tries to keep his mind off of Anya.

He hasn't forgiven himself. I don't think he ever will.

Andrew went back to Mexico, babbling something about Mexican spirits.

Faith and Robin oddly enough got married, and started a family in Houston. She slays part time, and we have grown closer since then. Her daughter will be 4 in March, and her son just turned 2.

/These are my words
That I've never said before
I think I'm doing okay/

So, I'm living my life now. I have a normal everyday kinda life. The kinda life I always dreamed of as a child.

/And this smile
That I've never shown before
Somebody shake me 'cause I
I must be sleeping/

Two weeks ago, the kids’ mom signed over her rights as legal guardian over the kids to me. I am now the official guardian of three children. I'm almost like their new Mom.

Austin tells me he wouldn't have it any other way.

/Now that we're here, it's so far away
All the struggle we thought was all in vain/

Last week I did something I told myself I'd never do. I walked up to 1490 Dolheny Ave, and knocked on the door. I was holding Ryan, and trying to keep Austin and Michael from fighting.

Then the door opened, and I wanted it to be real. I wanted him to be real.

/They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here, it's so far away/

Anything that ever was in the way of us being together was gone. And there I stood, 3 kids, no place to live, no money, and a smile that I'd hoped would make him love me again.

/And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive, and I'm not ashamed
To be the person I am today/

Epilogue

Four years later, and everything has changed yet much has stayed the same. Austin is 9, Michael is 7, and Ryan is about to be 5. Oh I almost forgot Jaclyn is 3, and I'm due in 4 months with Mackenzie.

Love of life, and I are living life with our kids, and our marriage that has been strong for four and a half years now.

And if this is what forever was meant to be, I'd die for this life again and again.

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