Disclaimer- Do I look like a sneaky, evil, godlike man named Joss? No. I don't own anyone in this. (Well, maybe not a man named Joss, but everything else is right!)
Author's Notes- I'm sorry, this is angsty. Coming from me that doesn't really sound like a surprise, right? Anyways, this isn't one of my best fics, but I had to write it.
Rating- PG/PG13 Deals with suicide/suicide attempts
Timeline- After Sanctuary, before The Yoko Factor. Spoilers for Sanctuary, I Will Remember You, and various season three episodes.
Distrobution- My site, Land of Denial, SoulmatesEternal. If you want it ask!

Cordelia called to bitch me out. She had a right to. After what I said to Angel, she practically has rights to kill me. Right now she's saying that I had no right to presume that Angel needed my help. He was trying to help her. I admit, I overreacted. She did try to steal my body. She tried to kill Angel. Sleeping with Riley, that was what pushed me over the edge. It wasn't like I loved him. I wasn't even really jealous. It was that she can always win over the men in my life. She did it with Riley, she flirted with Scott, and now she gets Angel. I snapped, I couldn't take it anymore. He was mine, the one thing in life that I thought I could count on.

Right?

Wrong.

He didn't love me. If he did, why would he have left? Faith, she always wins. For her it's like, 'Life's a bitch, deal with it B.' But she doesn't understand. Sometimes you can't deal.

"Why the hell did you tell him that you loved RILEY?! You had NO right to do that, to hit him, to bitch him out for trying to HELP Faith! Tearing him up into little Angel-bits seems to be your specialty, Buffy! Like the you did on Thanksgiving. Know what, Buffy? The world doesn't revolve around you!"

She's screaming at me, I can hear Wesley in the background trying to calm her down. Impossible. And the world revolving around me? Yes, actually, Cor, it does, I want to say. Without me, we would be overrun with vampires. Not that I actually do anything good, not that it's getting better, but I try. For what? To be crushed and spat on by people like Angel. To be left, a shell of a person, in this horrible pain, darkness, by the person I loved. That's right, loved. I can't have him, I never will be able to, so why not give up? On him, on my friends, on everyone. They don't know what I feel, what I see everyday. To get up, slay, go to bed and make passionless love. That's it, some say I'm in a rut. I say that I'm going insane. I can smile on the outside, look beautiful, but for what? Inside I'm cringing, hiding in the darkness, because maybe it's safer there. Maybe the dark is the better place to be.

Because in the light, you feel pain.

"But for Angel it did! For him, his world WAS you! He was attacked by a Morah demon, it's blood made him mortal! You two went and got all groiny and then he goes to fight the Morah again! Got his ass kicked good, I'll tell you that. And he GAVE IT UP, for YOU! Turned back the day because you would DIE otherwise! And you know what? You didn't remember, you were the Ice Bitch afterwards! Didn't remember a damn thing about that, your day with him, ANYTHING! And you cut him up into little pieces and left him to fend for himself in this world. You know what, Buffy? I think you've been fighting monsters so long that you've BECOME one!" Cordelia screamed in a hurried rage.

Maybe she's right. Maybe I am a monster. I'm crying now, selfish sobs. Thinking about myself, the pain I caused Angel. And the day...the one I'm not supposed to remember, comes back clear in flashes. I screamed, not from the pain in my head, but from the pain in my heart. I can hear Angel screaming at Cordelia, asking her why she did this, why she told me about the Day that Wasn't.

I dropped the phone and fell in a heap on the floor. I hear Angel screaming my name, telling me that he loves me, telling me things that I don't remember. I can't hear him anymore, the pain in my head has spread through my body. I'm shaking, tremors rushing through my veins, making me want to cry and bleed.

Blood. It seems like such a simple word, but it is so complex. It keeps you alive. It resurrects you. And, with the simple slice of a piece of carved, sharp metal, it kills you.

Suddenly I have an epiphany. Death, the answer to my question. The shaking stops, as do my sobs. I hang up my line, hearing Angel's last frantic scream. I feel sorry for him, and hope he doesn't mourn me. I know he's going to come here, it doesn't really matter, he won't be able to stop me. It will take him too long to get here. Maybe he'll be the unlucky one, the one to find my body. My body, covered in red, blood red, lying in a pool of what vampires dream of drinking.

What he has tasted.

I want to do this slowly, feel the pain to the full, excruciating extent. I deserve it. I retrieved my knife from my bag, full of crosses, holy water, stakes, and a crossbow. It's the one I used to put Faith in a coma. I grab the holy water, it's the only water in the room, and pour it over the knife. Cleaning it until it's gleaming, it's edges glinting and sending off bits of light. I stared at it for almost two hours, going in and out of a trance. Every once and a while, I would make a small incision in my skin, mostly my arms. One was particularly large, going from my right wrist to my elbow.

Suddenly the loud ringing of the phone rouses me out of the meditative state. I picked it up, and clicked it on. "Hello?"

Is that my voice? So weak, so dull, so inhumane. Almost metallic.

It's Angel. He's in Sunnydale, I can feel him. Suddenly the tremors start again, along with the sobs. Tears run down my face, off of my chin, and mix with the blood, creating a swirling red pool. He's telling me not to do this, don't do anything, he'll be right here. I tell him that he'll be too late, that I've already done something, I'm just waiting for the inevitable.

He's outside of my door, on a cell phone. It's locked, he tells me to unlock it. I'm scared now. "Angel, I don't-don't want to do this. Oh, God..." I said to him. My voice is normal, just frightened. He tells me to open the door.

"I-I can't," I say in a hushed tone, "I can't move." He can barely hear me, he says. He's going to break the door down. I fell backwards onto the floor as my legs went numb. Angel walked into the room and I saw tears well up in his eyes. The dark eyes that captured me, made me love him.

Made him leave me. Now it hurts. Blood flows freely from the cuts, raw wounds. Wounds that should be left untreated. I'm passing out now, I know I'm going to die. He's trying to stop the blood flow, but it's not possible.

I have to tell him something. Something that's been haunting me for a long, long time. "Angel," I whispered.

"Yes?" he asks, not paying attention. He's trying to bandage the cuts.

"You never really know someone. No matter how well you think you do, you don't. You can't feel what's going on inside of them, what they're seeing, what they're feeling. You never really know everything, only what they tell you. You never know if they love you. It's really the scariest thing in the world...loving somebody that doesn't love you back."

He looked up at me with tears in his eyes. Blood tears that are now flowing freely down his sculpted face. "What I'm trying to ask is...did you ever really love me?"

"Yes," he answered without hesitation. "Truly, madly, deeply. I never stopped. From the moment I saw you I wanted to be with you. I loved you so much that it scared me. So much that I had to leave you."

"Good," I said and closed my eyes. I inhaled deeply and tried to stand.

"W-what are you doing?" he asked, concern clouding his face.

"This," I said, and kissed him deeply. I reached with my free hand and placed the knife in his hand, and stabbed myself in the heart. I twisted the knife around and looked into his eyes. Pain was the expression I saw on his face, along with horror. He screamed as I fell, and he caught me. "I love you."

With that I felt free.

~*~

He sat there for an hour, just staring at my dead body. He looked away and screamed, weeping. I moved my arms to hug him. He jumped back as if electrocuted, and I smiled at him.

"The Powers that Be decided that we needed a break. You're human. They said that this is our last chance, our chance to be together. If you don't want to be with me, I die. If you'll stay, I live and you're human."

He looked astounded. Suddenly, he kissed me with a mad, wild passion and pushed me onto the bed. My wounds were healed, and I kissed him back with the same frenzied passion.

"Of course I'll stay. I love you."

~*~

And on that night, the beast whom dwelled within his body for so long, was unleashed and killed. Freed he was, and the miracle was conceived for the second time in the warrior's long life. This time, though, there were no clauses, no catches, just one thing.

Love.

Crappy ending, I know, but I do love feedback!! Please, I'll send you a chocolate covered Angel with whipped cream and strawberries!

The end of this needs a little explanation, or I thought so. 'The miracle' is Buffy and Angel's child, it was conceived for the second time because the first time that it could have happened (other than Surprise) was I Will Remember You. The day was erased, remember? So the second time. After that, I think it needs no explanation.

Feedback me? Please? I'll even send a sequel if you write me!

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